I can still hear the doctor telling me that I would go through a period of mourning and that was completely normal. Normal? None of this is normal! It was so crazy, sitting there listening to a doctor tell me what I was going to feel and that it would be normal if I found myself feeling that way. Even today, I remember not understanding what in the world he was talking about. Why would I mourn my son who is here with me. He's not gone, he is by my side everyday.
Then one day it hit me. My mother in law had taken Danny and Joey for awhile. I guess she thought I needed time to myself. As I was picking up toys in the living room, I reached for Joey's blanket and realized that is was so quiet, too quiet. It had felt like the calm before the storm. As I continued to clean up the house I began to replay the last year and a half in my mind. All the conversations that I had with each doctor. The list of things he was falling behind in just kept repeating and repeating. I would remember Danny and everything he was doing at Joey's age. Then I began to cry, realizing that Joey would never be the baby I pictured in my mind while I was carrying him. My husband was not going to teach him to play baseball or catch a football. I was not going to watch him play on the floor with his blocks or be engaged in a book. He was not going to chatter like young babies do. Joey was never going to be a baby. My husband Dan and I often talked about what it would be like to have two boys. To watch Danny and Joey bond like brothers do. They would play outside until sunset and run out the door at dawn to start it all over again. Danny would have a best friend that he would share everything with. When I realized all of these dreams would never come true I began to mourn Joey. Finally I understood, I would mourn my son that I had dreamt about before he was born. I stood in Joey's room, held his blanket to my face and cried harder than I have ever cried. I needed to say good-bye to that boy that existed in my maternal fantasy. My dream had died in front of my eyes, in a sense you can say it died in the silence. If it wasn't for the silence I would had never been forced to confront all the thoughts that were in my head.
It was not over that day. It took many days filled with tears and anxiety. I use to start to cry while I was doing the dishes. One Christmas Eve, I remember watching Dan play with Joey's cousin Hunter, who is seven months older than him. They were looking under the couch for a toy car. My heart sank deep in my chest as I thought about how he should be able to do that with Joey. Joey was his son and he couldn't play with him like that. As I felt my eyes tear up I had to look away. It was sight that was just so cute that tore me apart inside.
Less than a year later, I found myself struggling to hold back the tears as I watched a little girl Joey's age named Jenna playing during Byzantine Catholic Central's annual Special Persons Day, while standing in Danny's kindergarten room. Her family was there to see their son's classroom as Dan and I were. I watched her play and thought to myself how Joey should be able to play telephone with her. They should be in the same grade together. He is not suppose to be like this. I became so upset that I was unable to glance her way for the rest of the time we were there, in fear that I would begin to cry and embarrass little Danny.
Despite the fact that Joey would be in the same room as I was, it was clear that I was mourning him. There were many days that I would have to drop whatever I was doing and go into the bathroom and cry in to a towel, so that Danny would not hear me. One minute I would be sitting on the floor with a towel crying and the next minute I would be smiling and acting like nothing was wrong. I had to learn to smile through such unbelievable pain for the sake of Danny. He was so young and I did not want him to remember his mom in such disarray. I had to be strong for him and his dad. So I became an amazing actress.
Excerpt from my autobiography "Growing with Joe", soon to be released to the public. For additional reading or information please go to
www.freewebs.com/daniellehiner .
